Merry Christmas!

So it's Christmas yet again.

Up until a few hours ago, I was feeling like the most wonderful day will arrive. Yet, as always, it all fell apart. And not because something happened, but because I started feeling like this is not right.
I can't properly enjoy anything these days, I simply feel the need to crawl into a dark cold space and lay there. The past hasn't been kind to me and I don't really have much to be glad of.

I feel like drifting slowly into my Wonderland, the American McGee version. I want to simply fade into the background as the sky turns to gray and memories of me sway away. I need to know why I'm not feeling alive.

But I know that inside I've been dead for a long time. And I know that the cold keeps me awake and calms me down.

The picture that I see in my mind is of a field covered with snow fighting against a bright blue sky, with no sun and no trees. In the middle a gray building with high narrow windows mimics a church, a crematory, a hospital, a house. Inside I see a fireplace. It hasn't been ever used. And a chair. With red velvet upholstery. That's it. Behind it, a double wood door. Nothing more, not even a candle.


There's someone resting in the chair. There's someone living inside this cemented coffin.

But who would live is isolated and who would try to live a life like this? I look closer. It is me.