Penny for your thoughts.

I'm slowly getting sick and tired of everything. I honestly thought i surpassed this stage when I turned 19. 18 was the weirdest age-year so far (and the "fun" is just beginning...). 2008 was a strange year. I finally said to myself "You've grown up". Yet I wasn't happy. Why? 'Cause I've lost my identity. It is easy to say that the folks from Uni don't understand a word I'm saying but those who know me for more than 4 years have seen me changing. Dear friends unexpectedly disappear, long-time friendships dissolve in a blink of an eye, enemies are formed with every spoken word.

Why can't I be funny or happy like the rest?

Why do people think of me as an arrogant bastard? (okay...I like the bastard part...)

Why...?

Because this is what I've become. Like it or not, this is who I am going to be. Accept me and my believes or shut up and walk away. Expect the unexpected. This is me. Alongside me you'll be facing my ego. It has a mind of its' own and will not be afraid to explode whenever it feels threatened. I can calmly say that I feel a bit schizophrenic. They say the first signs of schizophrenia show only when the respective person reaches 20. 10 months to go till I find out the truth... But the voices say it will all be Ok. How many of you can undoubtedly say they trust me? How many of you can say that I am a true friend of your own...? 

I miss those early days when my mind was filled by fear, pain and anger. No colours, no shades of gray... Just black. No white. Black. No life-idols, no stability in my life, just a big quicksand. What kept me going? My little dark room with a light-bulb flickering. Can you figure out what I'm talking about?

Everybody creates their own closed world inside their minds. Mine wasn't too big. I didn't need a vast space. I did not have anything important to decorate it with. I was down. The light-bulb was the hope everything will turn out well. My fear was making it flicker. Soon after, myself got trapped in there and I started advancing in life. 4 years later, I finished high-school. I woke up. There was a door. There shouldn't have been. It opened. Someone else was looking at me. It looked like me but older. That entity was surprised I still existed. The room is now linked to other rooms. Abstract paintings forming my memories hang on the nicely painted walls. Is this what I'm turning out to be? I returned to the room and lying on the floor I start to shake in fear. The other entity goes into the room but can not approach me. It just can't. The room is familiar to it but it bothers it. Two entities exist. One must disappear. Which one? By killing one, wouldn't that create a sudden gap in me? But who cares...? The other entity is wondering from room to room whilst I am collapsed on the floor trying to survive.

It's 2 in the morning and I am writing. All of this might not make any sense but what does these days? 

I wrote this so you can find out a bit about me. I have my own wars to worry about. And I have no time to waste.